wilwart11 theo epstein and hot women

Saturday, July 16, 2011

Theo Epstein's in-season deals

We're just about two weeks away from the trading deadline and the Red Sox may need an addition or two, with pitching and righthanded batters topping the wish list for general manager Theo Epstein, who is no stranger to making moves. From moving Nomar and Manny out of town to bringing in Eric Hinske and Eric Gagne, here's a look back at the major in-season trades and acquisitions Epstein has made since his first full season as Red Sox GM in 2003. Potential trade targets in 2011 .

Who's Your Date?

If you haven’t heard, two nice young ladies asked Red Sox General Manager and Xak Bausch look-alike Theo Epstein to their proms. Even though our Prom days are in our distant pasts (less distant in some cases than others), this got me thinking: If I could bring any girl on the planet as my date to a random wedding or office formal, who would it be? For the purpose of an obviously fabricated semblance of reality, I chose not to consider women much older or younger than me. So to Maria Sharapova and Vanna White: sorry ladies. Time did us no favors.

My first reaction was newly minted American and silver medalist Tanith Belbin. Regular readers know my affection for ice dancing and friends know my exploits on the dance floor at weddings, so Belbin seemed like a natural pick. She is hot enough to impress, but since she isn’t famous enough to elicit behind the back whispers like, “how much did he pay her to come to this” or “you’d like to think if you were dating a celebrity you would at least take a razor to your face,” so I’ve gotta let her pass. For this exercise, even Page 2’s hottest female athlete isn’t good enough for me.

Now, I’m struggling. Britney Spears? Too trashy. Eva Longoria? Too damn short. Paris Hilton? Don’t like being naked enough to end up that way on the Internet. Finally, I’ve got it: Kim Bauer. She’s hot, to be sure, but looks have nothing to do with it. Is there really anyone you’d rather spend an evening with than Jack Bauer’s daughter, assuming of course it isn’t that one day a year where her father is torturing terrorists to protect her from mortal danger? This is the daughter of the greatest living American man. Hell, if you play your cards right, Jack Fucking Bauer is giving his only child to you on your wedding day. The last time he gave a gift, he later stole the recipient’s cache of biological weapons before shooting him in the face. Since I am not involved in international terrorism, I feel fairly confident Jack would not murder the father of his superhuman grandson.Even playing conservatively and guessing I only get the one fantasy date, wouldn’t you love to have your boss ask who your date was? “Oh her? Her dad saved L.A. from certain destruction, 4 times. But I’ll bet your father in law is cool too.”